20/20 Memory

What goes along with reading glasses

We make jokes about getting older on Hallmark Greeting cards. For years; I found them funny:

“The good thing about your age is, you don’t have to worry about whitening your teeth any more.”
* Photo of dentures *

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.”
- Woody Allen

“You know you are getting older when there is just one candle on the cake. It’s like, 'let’s see if you can blow this out’.”
- Jerry Seinfeld

“So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.”
- George Carlin

“He’s so old that when he orders a 3-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.”
- George Burns

They were funny to me before, because they weren’t true, at least not yet. Now that I am middle-aged, they are becoming a little too close for comfort or precisely a little too close to laugh.

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
- Phyllis Diller

This one still is funny; until I realize it applies to me too. My husband will have a growing inability to see me clearly up close but I won’t see him either! I had laser-eye surgery when I was 36  to correct my near-sightedness and as a result I got cocky with my new better-than-20/20 vision. Yeah, sure, when I signed the paper for the surgery, it said I had to acknowledge that someday, despite fixing my faraway vision, I would still need reading glasses. Without hesitation or concern, I signed an airy signature since that old age reading glasses stuff was in a galaxy far away for me. 

By 45, my optometrist was writing me a magnifying prescription. Whaaaat? Just seven years later??? And the sad thing was, it was not a gradual thing. It felt like I woke up one morning and the aging-fairy had visited. I now needed reading glasses. Young people who wear eyeglasses daily to correct their vision might be reading this and thinking reading glasses are no big deal, but it is. It’s the on-again, off-again annoyance. It’s going about your daily business without being able to do the business part… can’t read what speed you are driving on the dashboard, can see how much an item costs in the store, being asked to sign something at the lawyers office and you don’t know what it says, trying to play cards and not having three hands: one for the cards, one for laying the cards down and one for switching the glasses on and off so you can see your opponent’s reaction to your move. How else can you read a poker face???

It’s leaving them all over the house and still not being able to find them. Which brings about the insensitivity of another geriatric one-liner:

There are three signs of old age; the first is your loss of memory, I forget the other two.

Pretty soon, I learned that one pair of reading glasses wasn’t going to cut it because no matter how consistent I tried to be, I could never remember where I left them. An additional obstacle was that my health plan had been spent. So, I went to the Dollarstore and picked out another pair close to my prescription strength and after trying on about 10, I was able to convince myself that they looked good. After about 20, I was convinced no one would be able to tell that I bought them at a dollar store. Smugly beating the aging cycle for a dollar caused me to actually splurge and purchase a pretty smashing case to complement them (also a dollar). 

I got home from the dollar store in enough time to start making supper. I was trying a new recipe. How can I be old if I am still willing to try new things?? I opened the cookbook to the recipe I had not yet tried.

I know! It’s here that the youngin’s exclaim:
“You still own a cookbook??!!! You know you can find the same recipes online?” 
To which I say, YES, OF COURSE I KNOW, but I prefer a cookbook. I hate reading off screens.

At this time, I noticed the picture looked great but the font didn’t. No problem. I would just get my glasses from my night table -- except they weren’t there. Perhaps they were in the living room… nope. I tried a few more logical places but no glasses were to be found. The smugness settled in again. No problem. I bought my trusty back up reading classes at the dollar store. Where did I put the bag? Where did I put the bag? Frustration flooded in because so much of my food prep time was evaporating. Duh, yes! I probably put the bag with my dollar store glasses in my purse -- except I didn’t. Fine. I don’t have time to make this fancy recipe anyway. I will just whip up a memorized Shepherd’s pie using left-overs. Problem solved. 

The next day I was in a hurry to run some errands. I reached street-level (I live on the 23rd floor in a Toronto condo) only to realize that I didn’t bring either my Optometrist-approved glasses or my Dollar store glasses. (Scroll up to the joke above about old age memory and insert laughter here) I most certainly did not want to go all the way up the elevator to my condo and get a pair, so I zipped into the Shoppers Drug Mart across the street to purchase an emergency pair. This time, I didn’t bother caring if they looked good. Geez, these ones were expensive! $25!!! Would I pay $25 to not have to go back up to the condo? Why yes, I would (because old people do crazy things). I proceeded to gallup down King Street to the mall (because I am in great shape for a 51 year old) and I made all my purchases in full awareness of how much they cost (why do they make price tags so small these days, anyway). 

Reading Glasses Total: Three (plus two lovely cases).

Shortly thereafter, I was on my way up to visit my son who is living a couple hours north of me. I remembered the muffins I made for him, some papers for him to sign, my daily medications and a book.  One hour into the trip, I swore out loud. $%##$!!! I forgot to bring reading glasses! Luckily, there was a gigantic Dollarama in the next town so I stopped and purchased three more (mighty stylish ones, I might add). Even found three lovely cases to match. 

Reading Glasses Grand Total: Six (plus five cases). 

That’s if you don’t count the ones I am wearing right now to write this. At the risk of you thinking I am exaggerating for the sake of comedy, I have to admit I don’t remember where or why I purchased them. I have a faint feeling it was at a Shoppers Drug Mart and it was for a good reason but I can’t quite for sure confirm it. 

Accurate Eyeglasses Audit: Seven (plus five cases)

With this new eyesight problem, I have gained a new vision. Now I see what’s important in life with laser-sharp accuracy. I no longer care (as much) what people think of me, I don’t worry (as obsessively) about the next disaster around the corner, I don’t give a damn (mostly) if I make a mistake. I can clearly see that my family is critical to me, I matter, today counts most, time with friends is special and most of all, I am strong and resilient. 

My memory (as well as my vision) ain’t what it used to be. It bothers me sometimes but the rest of the time, I forget it. 

(Okay, I found that last one on upjoke.com but, you have to admit, it was a perfect ending). 

ADDENDUM: While enjoying a lunch date with my grown-up daughter, I slipped reading glasses on to read the menu, when she exclaimed, “Are those new?!”. 

“Why yes,” I replied with my most sophisticated Toronto fashion-snob look, “Do you like them? See, they have plaid on the arms”. 

Her answer.

“Where did you get them? The Dollar Store???”